It seems as though every week for the past few months has begun with the U.S./Iran war. Every. Single. Week. But what if—for once—it didn’t? What if we all woke up on a Monday and the headlines weren’t a rerun of the same Strait‑of‑Hormuz soap opera?

With Memorial Day weekend coming up, maybe it’s worth remembering the peace that past wars actually secured, and the heroes who made that possible. A little reflection never hurt anyone. Besides, the current war news can take a number and wait at the bottom of The Lead. See how easy that was? Just… scoot it over. Make room for other chaos.

Inflation: Back by Unpopular Demand

Back by unpopular demand—inflation. Everyone claimed they knew prices would spike. Sure they did. And yet the spikes have politely exceeded expectations, like a houseguest who says they’ll stay “one night” and is still on your couch Thursday.

If you haven’t noticed inflation yet, don’t worry. You will. Just fill up the car before the family road trip this weekend. Then stop at the store for hot dogs, chips, soft drinks, and beer. You’ll walk out wishing you’d stayed home and watched pickle‑ball on TV. At least the paddles don’t cost $4.29 a gallon.

And if oil hits $150+ per barrel? Congratulations—you, me, and the entire country will become pickle‑ball experts overnight. ESPN will have no choice.

Hantavirus: Because Apparently We Needed Another Thing

Another reason to stay home—other than inflation—might be hantavirus. Turns out there’s a bit more of that floating around than previously advertised. Pesky rodents doing what pesky rodents do.

And yes, social distancing, masks, and quarantines are still a little too fresh in everyone’s mind. But hey, if you needed something else to worry about besides inflation, the rodents have stepped up to help.

UFOs: The Universe’s Worst Real‑Estate Scouts

Last week’s hot topic: UFOs. More “realistic” videos, more grainy footage, more people swearing they saw something that definitely wasn’t a weather balloon.

I believe in UFOs and aliens. Absolutely. But I keep wondering: why would they come here? Wars, politics, inflation, social distortion—Earth is basically the universe’s Florida Man.

Unless, of course, they’re fleeing high‑tax, high‑cost‑of‑living planets. In that case, Earth is cheap. A galactic bargain. Zillow for aliens.

LeBron James: The Only Story That Truly Matters

Of course, the biggest news this week—and every week until further notice—is LeBron James. For those who don’t know (but soon will), “Bron” is a basketball player for the Los Angeles Lakers. A 41‑year‑old exceptional basketball player.

Now that the Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs, the world wants to know: What will LeBron do next? Retire? Change teams? Open a winery? Launch a skincare line? The speculation will be everywhere.

Hint: he’s not signing with the Utah “No Hope” Jazz.

And Now… the War (Briefly, Because We’re Busy)

Yes, the war is still happening. Yes, there’s still plenty of news to digest. But with UFOs, inflation, hantavirus, and LeBron’s future plans, who has time to read about whether the Strait of Hormuz is open, closed, open‑ish, or spiritually ajar?

Cease‑fire? Oh please. What a scam. Peace talks? Sure—right after Bigfoot releases his tax returns.

No one even knows who’s running Iran at this point. If they have a résumé, it’s not posted anywhere.

So for now, the war gets pushed to the side. It’ll still be there tomorrow, like laundry.

Prediction Markets: Where Hope Goes to Lose Money

I’m logging into the prediction markets and putting money on LeBron going to… well, that’s the fun part, isn’t it.